Weblog
Sunday, 15 January 2012
-
oh! My Mama
We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?
(The curious case of Benjamin Button)
What we remember from childhood we remember forever - permanent ghosts, stamped, inked, imprinted, eternally seen.-Cynthia Ozick
“I was aware now, as ever, that between all people there were first times you see them and last times you see them. ”
-Marisha Pessl, 'Special Topics In Calamity Physics'
“I will come back as a little breeze. You will feel me on your face, and you will know that I am still listening. So you can still talk to me.”
-Elizabeth Berg, 'Talk before Sleep'
-
This is probably my most personal and intimate entry.
I lost my mother in the end of november.
Writing these sentences down feels kind of strange, i get quite a distance feeling like i'd talk about my best friends mother i'd feel very sorry for. But not like it happened to me.
There are days i cannot cry.
These days are the days where i feel very empty.
Sometimes i'm looking photos of her, watch a movie that moves me or listen to a touching song then its haunting me like a tornado that is fighting inside of me.
The feeling that she isn't there anymore.
I never can talk to her anymore. Picking up the phone asking her: how are you feeling today?
Of course i still know the sound of her voice well.
It is the worst thing that happened in my life. There were many times where i thought this is my worst moment in life. But now i know it wasn't.
You can never be prepared when something cruel like that happens.
You think of all the missed chances seeing her, tell her that you love her, you're sitting in the tram asking yourself: did she knew? Did she really knew that despite of all the things that went wrong she knew you love her with all your heart? You ask yourself did you really do anything to show her youy're there for her as much as i can and that she means so much to you and your life?
It tears you apart.
Knowing there are no second chances.
The hurt inside me will not go away, from now on it will be with me, beside and inside me.
I want to say her that i love her very much and i'll talk to her when i feel she is listening to me.
The only thing i can say is that i learned sometimes it can be too late to go to someone and tell this person how you feel, give this person a hug, a good night kiss, touching his/her skin, looking in each others eyes, sharing your time with each other.
I saw my mother apparently a couple of weeks before she died. Now i cling to every memory i have of her. On this day i bought a cd and gave it to her. She felt happy about this little present. She were so generous. She always wanted to spend time with me. I was her lifesaver, a kind of replacement when her life turned into a direction she couldn't really affect. When depression, marital difficulties hit her, and hit her, and hit her. The pressure sometimes were too hard for me because there was so much responsibility.
I wanted to ask my mother so many things.
What were her dreams. Were they similar to mine? "How many dreams you had to bury?" "What were your biggest fears when you turned from a child to a teen, from a teen to a young woman?" "Did you love only once or more times?" And the most important question: "Did you forgive me when i couldn't be there for you because i simply couldn't?"
Ich liebe und vermisse Dich.
Sunday, 23 October 2011
-
my own silence.
The passing of time
And all of its crimes
Is making me sad again
The passing of time
And all of its sickening crimes
Is making me sad again
But don't forget the songs
That made you cry
And the songs that saved your life
Yes, you're older now
And you're a clever swine
But they were the only ones who ever stood by you
Relationships-of all kinds-
are like sand held in your hand.
Held loosely, with an open hand,
the sand remains where it is.
The minute you close your handstrong and squeeze tightly to hold on,
the sand trickles through your fingers.
You may hold onto some of it,
but most will be spilled.
A relationship is like that.
Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person,
it is likely to remain intact.
But hold too tightly, too possessively,
and the relationship slips away and is lost.
-unknown-
In a dark time, the eye begins to see.
Theodore Roethke (1908 - 1963), Source: "In a Dark Time"
The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence.
- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
The passing of times leaves empty lives
waiting to be filled
the passing of times leaves empty lives
waiting to be filled
I'm here with the cause
I'm holding the torch
in the corner of your room
can you hear me?
And when your're dancing and laughing
and finally living
hear my voice in your head
and think of me kindly
The Smiths, 'Rubber Ring'
Friday, 25 March 2011
-
wait & hope.
Lost between two worlds. One lies dying. The other crying to be born.
-Mr. Prophet
Have you found someone to share your heart with?
Are you giving to your community?
Are you at peace with yourself?
Are you trying to be as human as you can?-Mitch Albom
Of all the changes we can embrace,
the most significant and far reaching are the inward changes.
They are also the ones we resist the most.
Are we willing to release all that we are for all that we could be?-Cindy Roskamp
One day, i'm gonna show you it's okay to cry.
-Mitch Albom
"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world,
and you believe you are living.
Then you read a book… or you take a trip…
and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating.
The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness.
The second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death):
absence of pleasure. That is all.
It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death.
Millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it.
They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children.
And then some shock treatment takes place,
a person, a book, a song,
and it awakens them and saves them from death.
Some never awaken."— Anaïs Nin (The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1)
wait and hope.
waiting. for letting go of fear,
waiting for the next step,
waiting for a spoken word, that echoes in my brain
and sounded like the most beautiful word i ever heard.
wait for better times and times that will never appear anymore.
wait for waking ups and forever sleeps when the world gets too heavy.
waiting for questions i cannot answer by myself.hope.
hope for possible futures and happy endings,
hope for neverendings.
hope for answers and new worlds.
hope for getting lost and never to get lost.
hope for stopping time and holding on,
hope for the next moment which makes me feel alive.
hope for love and hope for having enough breath,
hope for sweet melodys and hope for a good cry.
hope for a laugh and hope not to say goodbye (forever).wait and hope for a new beginning.
Saturday, 18 December 2010
-
i am as far as memory.
I am as far as the deepest sky between clouds
and you are as far as the deepest root and wound,
and I am as far as a train at evening,
as far as a whistle you can't hear or remember.
You are as far as an unimagined animal
who, frightened by everything, never appears.
I am as far as cicadas and locusts
and you are as far as the cleanest arrow
that has sewn the wind to the light on
the birch trees. I am as far as the sleep of rivers
that stains the deepest sky between clouds,
you are as far as invention, and I am as far as memory.
You are as far as a red-marbled stream
where children cut their feet on the stones
and cry out. And I am as far as their happy
mothers, bleaching new linen on the grass
and singing, "You are as far as another life,
as far as another life are you."
And I am as far as an infinite alphabet
made from yellow stars and ice,
and you are as far as the nails of the dead man,
as far as a sailor can see at midnight
when he's drunk and the moon is an empty cup,
and I am as far as invention and you are as far as memory.
I am as far as the corners of a room where no one
has ever spoken, as far as the four lost corners
of the earth. And you are as far as the voices
of the dumb, as the broken limbs of saints
and soldiers, as the scarlet wing of the suicidal
blackbird, I am farther and farther away from you.
And you are as far as a horse without a rider
can run in six years, two months and five days.
I am as far as that rider, who rubs his eyes with
his blistered hands, who watches a ghost don his
jacket and boots and now stands naked in the road.
As far as the space between word and word,
as the heavy sleep of the perfectly loved
and the sirens of wars no one living can remember,
as far as this room, where no words have been spoken,
you are as far as invention, and I am as far as memory.Yellow Stars And Ice by Susan Stewart
p.s. i chose this poem as i find it so beautiful.
i can read it again and again and there is always something new i find.
Just an hour and we'll be home
With my family that i chose
You're my family
And on the pavement still gripping the phone
You came and wrapped your arms around my soul
And we were shaking and you're so much a part of me
And so this is why i'm here
When we called you
You came so fast
And sat beside me while hours and days past
I'll always thank you for that
And there you were
With your heart made of gold
So strong, the only thing holding us up
And we knew you would always be so close
And so this is why i'm here
And then there was you
You always made us laugh
And you would help us to find the right path
And there is no one as full of life
And so this is why i'm here
Azure Ray, 'Home'memories can be cruel.
they show what has been,
they show you moments that will never come back
in those constellation.
people you spend importants parts of your life with
become people you knew.
to quote cesare pavese
'We do not remember days, we remember moments'
- life is full of moments.
my memory is a sea full of emotion:
i'm longing for things which weren't (and will never be),
then it makes me cry of joy to remember moments
that made me wonder about life
and fell in love with life
(again).
-
for 2011 i like to dream
but also like to awaken
for all the beautiful things (hopefully )
to come.i wish you all merry christmas and a happy new year.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
-
there is a voice within me that will not be still.
I sing. I swim.
"Come to the edge", he said.
"We can't, we're afraid!" they responded.
"Come to the edge", he said.
"We can't, we will fall!" they responded.
"Come to the edge", he said.
And so they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.
-Guillaume Apollinaire (1880-1918)
Friday, 09 July 2010
-
you live. you learn.
you live, you learn
you love, you learn,
you cry, you learn,
you lose, you learn,
you bleed, you learn,
you scream, you learn
Alanis Morissette, 'You live, You learn'
I live in the space between chaos and shape. I walk the line that continually threatens to lose its tautness under me, dropping me into the dark pit where there is no meaning. At other times it is so wired that it lights up the soles of my feet, gradually my whole body, until i am my own beacon, and i see then the beauty of newly created worlds, a form that is not random. A new beginning.
-Jeannette Winterson; Source: The World and Other Places
i feel like telling you everything
talking until my words aren't a part of me anymore
they are part of the air
and suddenly they are not my problem
and i am free
After a while
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accepts your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child.
And you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and your learn
with every goodbye, you learn...
Veronica A. Shoffstall
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honestly i must admit i'm too tired to write as much as i've done on my entries before.
I hope everyone of you is feeling okay these days.
Today it was my last day at work and tomorow i'm on holidays and it just feels great.
Next week my man and i gonna go to spain for ten days i look so forward:)
There are so many other refreshing things i detect and experienced i want to share with you.
I am in love with jeannette winterson.
I found some quotes by her that i really loved before, then i went to kind of a book flew market recently (which was heaven) and i bought 'the passion' which is really lovely and magical.
I get really excited to order another books by her.
I actually don't like to post quotes from books i haven't read before i don't know why, maybe its because i like to finish reading it before i post quotes that has touched my heart whilst reading. Maybe its because i wanna know the whole story.
But the quote at the top is so great i just couldn't do it not to post it.
I highly recommend her books.
Two weeks ago i went to amsterdam.
It's such a beautiful city. I could imagine to live there.
I still want to write my book and i have written the first two pages this is quite an exciting phase for me.
I'm living my life. I never was into Alanis Morissette songs that much but 'You live, You learn' is really a nice song and its true: i'm learning with every step, with every trip, talk, melody i'm listening to, with every laugh and cry, with every person i met or with every good bye.
I'm interested what is going around in your mind these days if you like to share.
Take care and hope you're well.
Wednesday, 02 June 2010
-
i am. i am. i am.
What if i were smiling and running into your arms. Would you see then what i see now?
from 'Into The Wild' By Jon Krakauer
In my own worst seasons i've come back to the colorless world of despair by forcing myself to look hard, for a long time, at a single glorious thing: a flame of a red geranium outside my bedroom window. And then another: my daughter in a yellow dress. And another: the perfect outline of a full, dark sphere behind the crescent moon. Until i learnt to be in love with my life again. Like a stroke victim retraining new parts of the brain to grasp lost skills, i have taught myself joy, over and over again.
-Barbara Kingsolver
My enemy is those parts of myself which i have refuse to deal with or integrate in the past. Whether supressed or repressed or forgotten, these are the traits that i would tend to project onto others if i believed that the enemy is 'out there'. By accepting myself for who i am, i can accept others for who they are.
I have no enemys, inside or out.
-Unknown
Even in my sadness i can happy to be. I can be happy to be sad. I can be happy to be.
-Anonymous
There will be rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much. But then if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere.
-Jane Austen, Source: Mansfield Park
This means that we have barely
disembarked into life
that we've only just now been born
let's not fill our mouths
with so many uncertain names,
with so many sad labels
with so many pompous letters
with so much yours and mine
with so much signing of papers
I intend to confuse things
to unite them
make them new-born,
intermingle them, undress them,
until the light of the world
has the unity of the ocean,
a generous wholeness,
a fragrance alive and crackling
from 'Too Many Names' by Pablo Neruda
If you're listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regulary. In fact, your heart is made to break; it's purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever more wonders
-Andrew Harvey
'Are there any questions?' An offer that comes at the end of college lectures and long meetings. Said when an audience is not overdosed with information, but when there is no time left anyhow. At times like that you sure do have questions. Like 'Can we leave now?'And 'What the hell was this meeting for?'
The gesture is is supposed to indicate openeness on the part of the speaker i suppose but in fact you do ask a question, both the speaker and the audience will give you a drop-dead looks. And some fool some earnest idiot always asks. And the speaker always answers. By repeating most of what he has already said.
But id there is a little time left and there is a little silence left in response to the invitation, i usually ask the most important question of all: 'What is the meaning of life?'
You never know, somebody may have the answer, and i'd really hate to miss it because it was too socially inhibited to ask. But when i ask, it is usually taken as a kind of absurdist move - people laugh and nod and gather up their stuff and the meeting is dismissed on that ridiculous note.
Once, and only once, i got a serious answer...
Papderos rose from his chair at the back of his room and walked to the front where he stood in the bright greek sunlight of an open window and looked out. He turned. And made the ritual gesture: 'Are there any questions?'
Quiet quilted the room. These two weeks had generated enough questions for a lifetime, but for now there was only silence.
'No questions?'
So. I asked.
'Dr. Papaderos, what is the meaning of life?'
The usual laughter followed and people stirred to go.
Papaderos held up his hand and stilled the room and looked at me for a long time, asking with his eyes if i was serious and seeing from my eyes that i was.
'I will answer your question.'
Taking his wallet out of his hip pocket, he fished into a leather billfold and brought out a very small round mirror, about the size of a quarter.
And what he said went like this:
'When i was a child, during the war, we were very poor and we lived in a remote village. On day, on the road, i found the broken pieces of a mirror. A german motorcycle has been wrecked in that place.
I tried to find all the pieces and put them together, but it was not possible, so i kept only the largest piece. This one. And by scratching it on a stone i made it round. I began to play with it as a toy and became fascinated by the fact that i could reflect light into dark places where the sun would never shine- in deep holes and crevices and dark closets. It became a game for me to get light into the most inaccessible places i could find.
I kept the little mirror, ans as i went about my growing up, i would take it out in idle moments and continue the challenge of the game. As i became a man, i grew to understand that this was not just a child's game but a metaphor for what i might do with my life. I came to understand that i am not the light or the source of light. But light - truth, understanding, knowledge- is there, and it will only shine in many dark places if i reflect it.
I am a fragment of a mirror whose design and shape i do not know. Nevertheless, with what i have i can reflect light into the dark places of this world- into the black places in the hearts of men - and change some things in some people. Perhaps other may see and do likewise. This is what i am about.
This is the meaning of my life.'
And then he took the small mirror and, holding it carefully, caught the bright rays of daylight streaming throught the window and reflected them onto my face and onto my hands folded on the desk.
-Robert Fulghum, Source: It was on fire when i lay down on it, Page: 170
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These days i only want to say: Wow.
Thank you guys so much for appreciating.
A special thanks to the person who posted the last comment onto my last blog-entry.
Thank you! And thank you too for showing me that site www.jacvanek.com
I think i became red in the face that the girl recommented my side and for appreciating it so much, for liking my music, my view of life... You made my day that day-seriously! I felt and still feel so proud she likes what i'm trying to do here.
I have the impression sometimes some kind of blogs can be more popular in a way when they write about how unfair and terrible life was, is, and ever will be.
I can relate to it.
And within me there will be always some kind of sadness and melancholy.
But i try - almost every single day - to see beauty and feel the not-being-able-to-put-it-in-words thankfulness for all these intense moments. To be in touch with my life (again).
Recently i were lying in my boyfriend's bed and started to miss him so i went up and he was cleaning up the room. When we looked at each other and embraced each other i started crying immediately.
I cried because of shared happiness and beauty i've seen when i looked at him.
Like in the quote i've posted all my life i taught myself not to give up and i'm still teaching myself joy which doesn't mean i'm not sad anymore.
But i can be happy and i can be sad. And being sad doesn't mean i'm not happy.
Many thoughts rushing through my mind recently.
-The days are running.
-I'm only doing half of the things i want to do. I want to do millions of things.
-My recent hero: Anais Nin
-Even though i'm blogging for ages i'm still facinated by the fact that i don't know people and people don't know me, but we're able to touch each other.
We have something to say and if you have the right kind of ears you'll really listen.
This is a gift.
-I found out that posting mind-stuff and quotes and photos aren't enough to me anymore.
I still love it and i will not stop posting.
But i think i want to write.
Anyway.
You can find me here too, that's kind of an everyday diary to me. But i'm not leaving xanga.
Thanks always for appreciating my complete stranger aswell.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
-
song in the air.
somewhere, someone knows the words to the song you sing.
I love you, not only for what you are, but for what i am, when i'm with you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out; i love you for putting your hand into my heaped-up heart and passing over all the foolish, weak things that you can't help dimly seeing there, and for drawing out into the light all the beautiful belongings that no one else had looked quite far enough to find. I love you because you are helping me to make of the lumber of my life not a tavern but a temple; out of the works of my every day not a reproach but a song.
Cecilia Reed, Source: A Gift Of Love
My soul is in the sky
William Shakespeare, Source: A Midsummer Night's Dream
A warm breeze through my window like a gentle wave lapping the sandy shore in summer at low tide, and as i took in a breath of air that blanketed my body like tall grass in a field i felt for just that moment in time, like i did when i was a child. I felt that i had not one worry, not one burden, nothing was on my mind accept that breeze, that made the curtains swell like balloons
-Christina Pagliarulo
If in the twilight of memory we should meet once more we shall speak again together and you shall sing to me a deeper song.
And if our hands should meet in another dream we shall build another tower in the sky
Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)
Source: The Prophet
I did not know i was on a search for passionate aliveness. I only knew i was lonely and lost and that something was drawing me deeper beneath the surface of my life in search of meaning. There is a hunger in people to go to those deep depths; to know that our lives are sacred; that our hearts are truly capable of love. It is a yearning to be all that we can be. A longing for what is real
Anne Hillmann, Source: The Dancing Aimal Woman
Each person has an ideal, a hope, a dream of som sort which represents his soul. In the long light of eternity this seed of the future is all that matters. We must find this seed no matter how small it is; we must give to it the warmth of love, the light of understanding and the water of encouragement; we must learn to deal with people as they are; not as we wish them to be; we must study the moral values which shape our thinking, arouse our emotions and guide our conduct; we must get acquainted with our inner stream and find out what's going on in our heads and hearts; we must put an end to blind, instinctive, sensory thought and feeling; we must take time to be human
-Colby Dorr Dam
I do not think i will ever reach a stage and when i will say, 'This is what i believe. Finished'. What i believe is alive...and open to growth
-Madeleine L'engle
And all the books you've been read had been read by other people. And all the songs you've loved had been heard by other people. And that girl that's pretty to you is pretty other people. And you know that if you looked at these facts when you were happy, you would feel great because you are describing 'unity'. It's like when you are excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you want is to always feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you're happy, too.
-from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower' by Stephen Chbosky
-----------------------when i read 'love is a mixtape' by Rob Sheffield i fell over just a few words that made me think. the main character of the book paraphrases Wallace Stevens:
'We are kind people in an unkind world'
I found it so true.
I also thought about kindness these days. How sometimes we treat other people so unkind and nasty because we're feeling not content about ourselves or feeling yealous of what the other has, owns, loves, does, the way he or she is living. We feel empty then. Deep within we know it that to feel like that is wrong. The world indeed can be an unkind place where it might it isn't as easy to behave kind or to feel happy for other people or even beloved ones when to the same time we feel that something's missing -or even worse- when the other one has something (actually not really a 'thing') you're missing in life and you wish so badly to have it aswell.
I know this feeling well.
But there is a person in our lives who is listening what the unkind world is doing to you. There will be a person who will share your favourite songs and will know the lyrics. There will be a person who likes to read your favourite peoms, quotes and lyrics that moved you so deep your voice is even shaking more when you're reading it to this person because this person means so much to you it would mean the world if he really is understanding how much those things can awaken somethings inside you, how much they touch you really from the bottom. When especially he can feel that nevertheless you even love life to the same time though all its cruelty and never lose your sense of all the everyday wonders that are around you.
I am sure there is someone like this somewere.
The world doesn't change, the world continues being unkind and unpleasant every now and then.
But hold on to these infinite moments. Where you are the song in the air, where you are able to fill the sky with beautiful melodies to make even the unkindest world more kind. Maybe only for some hours, minutes, even seconds. But these are the moments of being fully alive, the moments where i feel happy for other people - because i am happy, too.
be kind my lovely subscribers.
Sunday, 21 March 2010
-
closed rooms and open doors.
you'll be the rythm and i'll be the beat.Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt then you can say to yourself: 'All right, it's just the fear, i don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.' Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely- but eventually be able to say:'All right, that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now i'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world and i'm going to experience them as well.'(from Tuesdays at Morrie by Mitch Albom)
But i want first of all - in fact as an end to these other desires- to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of an eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as i can. I want in fact-to borrow from the laguage of the saints- to live in grace as much of the time as possible. I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense. By grace i mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony.
Anne Lindbergh (1906- ), Source: Gift From The Sea
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain
as i ran to your heart to be near
and we kissed as the sky fell
in holding you close how i always held close in your fear
remembering you running soft through the night
you were bigger and brighter than the snow
and screamed at the make-believe screamed at the sky
and you finally found all your courage to let it all go
'Pictures Of You' by The Cure
I long to embrace, to include in my own short life, all that is accessible to man, i long to speak, to read, to wield a hammer in a great factory, to keep watch at sea, to plow. I want to be walking along the Nevsky Prospect, or in the open fields, or on the ocean- whereever my imagination ranges-Anton Pavlovich Chekhoy (1860-1904)
In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and to learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can either give you the key or the door to open, exept yourself
-Jiddu Krishnamurti
For happiness one needs security. But joy can spring like a flower even from the cliffs of despair
-Anne Lindbergh, Source: Locked Rooms And Open Doors
These days were really important. I posted this quote by Mitch Albom because i find it so honest. And it describes very well the importance of the recent days i had. It's about the ability to detach yourself from emotions. Morrie believed that experiencing life and the emotions that go along with each situation were very important. He explained that it was necessary to experience and feel your emotions fully rather than ignore them or pretend that they don't exist as so many of us do. When Morries deatches himself from his emotions, he is not simply ignoring and blocking them, but experiencing them fully as well as separating himslef from them so that they will not control him.
Whilst spending more attention to my paranoia thoughts my feelings conrolled me in a very dangerous way so that i almost lost the things in life that mean the most to me.
By facing my biggest fear -I'm not enough//people could leave me- and things that went wrong the last months i also realized i forgot to concentrate more onto the things my life needs.
I rushed too much, i ignored signals and laid too much responsibility for becoming happy into someone else's hands.
I suppose i have awaked thousands of times before like that but this time it felt different.
It was good for awakening like this.
So by facing my fear and feel it in all its greatness suddenly i got a view that my life is beautiful, it really is. It sounds too simple like that but everything else is just paranoia made my past experiences and my gifted childhood.
Its not fair not to feel all the grace for what i have and what life is giving me.
It even gave me energy to start organizing things i wanted to do ten years ago already i suppose.
In may i will start doing yoga.
Got an appointment for getting my next tatoo.
About next year in spring/summer i'm gonna move into my boyfriends town and i started to save more money for this.
I got through a lot of tears and it will not be the last tears i cried but now i take all these things into my own hands.
to open new doors.
Tuesday, 02 March 2010
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i wish you enough.
I wish you enough.
What means 'enough'?
Well.
Please read the text at the bottom and read carefully. It means a lot to me and its worth to read it.
I cried the first time when i read it. I just wasn't prepared.
It's beautiful and painful, but mostly beautiful.
Thanks to all my new subscribers i really appreciate for stopping by. I do.
I am okay these days.
i won't cry
anyone would rather shift their eyes
than open up their leather
but you, you seem to be the one
anyone can see through me. but you're not anyone.
Joan as police woman
The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form withouht being disappointed by the change; happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up.
-Charles L. Morgan
Never fear big long words. Big long words mean little things. All big things have little names, such as life and death, peace and war, or dawn, day, night, hope, love, home. Learn to use little words in a big way. It is hard to do so, but they say what you mean.
-Arthur Kudner
One must say yes to life, and embrace it whereever its found-and it is found in terrible places...For nothing is fixed, forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the moment we break faith with one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out.
-James Baldwin, Source: Fumbling Toward Divinity; The Adoption Scriptures
come away with me. 
I never really thought that i'd spend as much time in airports as i do. I don't know why. I always wanted to be famous and that would mean lots of travel. But i'm not famous, yet i do see more than my share of airports.
I love them and i hate them. I love them because of the people i get to watch. But they are also the reason why i hate airports. It all comes down to 'hello' and and 'goodbye' i must have mentioned this a few times whilst writing my stories to you.
I have great difficulties with saying goodbye. Even as i write this i am experiencing that pounding sensation in my heart. If i am watching such a scene in a movie i am affected so much that i need to sit up and take a few breaths. So when faced with a challenge in my life i have been known to go to our local airport and watch people saying goodbye. I figure nothing that is happening to me at the time could be as bad as having to say goodbye.
Watching people cling to each other, crying, and holding each other in that last embrace makes me appreciate what i have even more. Seeing them finally pull apart, extending their arms until the tips of their fingers are the last to let go, is an image that stays forefront in my mind throughout the day.
One of my recent business trips, when i arrived at the counter to check in, the woman said, 'How are you today?' I replied:'I'm missing my wife already and i even haven't said goodbye.' She then looked at my ticket and began to ask: 'How long will you...oh my god. You will only be gone for three days!' We all laughed. My problem was still that i have to say goodbye.
But i learn from goodbye moments, too.
Recently i overheard a father and a daughter in their last moments together. They had announced her depature and standing near the security gate, they hugged and he said: 'I love you. I wish you enough.' She in turn said:'Daddy, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all i ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Daddy.'
They kissed and she left. He walked over toward the window where i was seated. Standing there i could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking: 'Did you ever say goodbye to seomeone knowing it would be forever?' 'Yes i have', i replied. Saying that brought back memories i had of expressing my love and appreciation for all my dad had done for me. Recognizing that his days were limited, i took the time to tell him face to face how much he meant to me. So i knew what this man experiencing.
'Forgive me that asking, but why is this a forever goodbye?' i asked.
'I am old and she lives too far away. I have challenged ahead and the reality is, the next trip back would be for my funeral' he said.
'When you were saying goodbye i heard you say 'i wish you enough'. May i ask what that means?'
He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone. He paused for a moment and looking up as if trying to remember it in detail, he smiled even more.
'When we said 'I wish you enough', we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them', he continued and then turning toward me he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.
'I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough 'hello's' to get you through the final 'goodbyes'.
-Bob Perks
i wish you enough my lovely subscribers whereever you are.
Monday, 15 February 2010
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living proof.
you're supposed to have the answer. you're supposed to have living proof
cat power, living proof.There are some mornings when i cry and cry and mourn for myself. Some mornings, i'm so angry and bitter. But it doesn't last too long. Then i get up and say: 'I want to live....'
from 'Tuesdays at Morrie' by Mitch Albom
There is no one big cosmos meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life....to seek a total unity is wrong. To give as much meaning to one's life as possible is right to me
-Anais Nin, Source: The Diary of Anais Nin, vol. II, 1967, June 1935
If we can stay awake when our lives are changing, secrets will be revealed to us-secrets about ourselves, about the nature of life, and about the eternal source of happiness and peace that is always available, always renewable, already within us
-Elizabeth Lesser, Source: Broken Open: How difficult times can help us grow
I say i'm in love with her, what does that mean? It means i review my future and my past in the light of this feeling, it is as though i wrote in a foreigh language that i am suddenly able to read. Wordlessly, she explains me to myself. Like a genius, she is ignorant of what she does
-Jeanette Winterson, Source: The Passion
If you hold back on the emotions, if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them, you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails
-from Tuesdays at Morrie, The sixth Tuesday: We talk about emotions
Connecting with the people who meant to be a part of your own north star is much more important than any aspect of business. It's the essence of happiness, the full realization of your potential for joy. By the end of your incredibly arduous, disappointing, stressful journey, you will be your true self, in a place where you belong, with friends who truly understand you and bring all sorts of opportunities your way. Every aspect of your life, whether it's a task or relationship, personal or professional, will be based of love and joy. And when you get right down to it, nothing else really matters.
Martha Beck, Source: Finding your Own North Star: Claiming the life where you meant to live
Dance freely- discover yourself by surprise create a space to really move and be moved
-Darina Stoyanova
I know that you're hiding in there
i know that you are hiding in there
Can i let you out?
And if i let you out
is it okay if i let you out?
If i let you just for a while
is it all right?
Cause it's only water in your eyes
and it's only words out of my mouth
It's only me out there tonight
It's only you i wanna find.
I am from Barcelona, 'Gunhild'
Each of us has something that we can give.
The trick is to find it and use it,
to find it and give it away.
So there will be always more.
We can be lights for each other,
and through each other's illumination
we will see the way.
Each of us is a seed,
a silent promise,
and it is always spring
-Merle Shan
i hope i can be a beautiful thought for all my living proofs.
Thursday, 28 January 2010
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dear self:
don't look back in anger ( i heard you say ).
when i look back and think of things that happened that were simply too much to take i become really sad. when i realize if those things wouldn't have happened i might wouldn't feel all the time like a hunted deer-
But its all only happening in the head.
do you know the feeling when actually everything feels great and this feeling is harder to handle than all the worries in your head?
i often try to remember when it began i felt sad and became sad. i cannot remember. there are tiny milllions of pieces and i tried hard all my life to put the pieces together.
but please dear self, could you try to leave it behind?
-
i have to realize that life is happening NOW. when people are good to me NOW, i should rather feel the happiness and feeling truly graceful instead of being scared that all the good things could take away from me one day or all the shit will be repeating again. i don't want to look back and only regret that in my life happened the things the way they happened.
I want to move on. But moving fast isn't the same as going somewhere. its how you look at things. and then i might can reach planets and places where before i never thought i would be able to get there one day. beautiful places. where i can meet love, kindness and friendship constantly.
All of us had the experience of a sudden joy that came when nothing in the world has forewarned us of its coming- a joy so thrilling that if it was born of misery we remerbered even the misery with tenderness
Antoine de Saint Exupery, Wind, Sand And Stars, 1939
There were always two women at least, one woman desperate and bewildered, who felt she was drwoning and another would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helpnesses, despair, and present to the world only a smile, an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest
Anais Nin, Source: The Diary of Anais Nin
Taking one foot and putting it in front of the other, that is the only way to travel forward. If however you take steps forward whilst looking backward-well, then you will fall over because you end up tripping over something you would easily have seen if looking where you were going in the first place. So, when looking back just stay still for a moment, allow yourself to reflect , but then you must at some point turn around and just keep moving- or you will stagnant on the spot which means going nowwhere at all
Jaquelene Close Moore
Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods
-Esther M. Clark
Our lives were just beginning, our favourite moment was right now, our favourite songs were unwritten
'Love is a mix tape: Life and Loss, one song at a time' by Rob Sheffield
Through music i either tame my demons or unleash them and allow them to be what they are. I don't want the music to be provocation, i want the music to bring you to a place where you feel at home
Michael Franti
Love is friendship that has chaught on fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyaltly through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Love is content with the present, it hopes for the future, and it does not brood over the past. Its the day in and the day out chronicle of irritations, problems, compromises, small disappointments, big victories and working toward common goals. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many things that are missing. If you don't have love in your life, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.
Ann Landers (1918-)
We don't see things as they are - we see things as we are.
Anais Nin
gorgeous things waiting: the swell season and the xx live in february, holding my boyfriend tight, dancing the pain away on saturday, sleeping in on sunday and start to read the diearies of anais nin. take care.
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
-
reflecting eyes.
My eyes are an ocean in which my dreams are reflected
Anna M. Uhlich
these days felt like an emotional dark take where i had go through, to come to the point to see the light again. then i want that to stop, not having these unstable circumstances that confront me with not being able to let the demons out, no, they walk beside me, follow me, have power on me. i want to leave them behind so badly.
then the sun shines again. the sun can shine so bright on my face that everything really is illuminating. and i ask myself, reflecting my inner fights-my personal war- was there ever a need for it, to distrust, to feel doubt, to feel pain. its like it belongs to me like the other face when its reflecting on the surface on the water. nevertheless i never felt more alive and loved. and therefore i feel thankfulness.
The heart of myself has always been something just wanting so bad. I have had an empty center, black as a basement, but also knowing about light and waiting.
From childhood's hour i have not been as others were; i have not seen as others saw; i could not bring my passions from a common spring: From the same source i have not taken my sorrow; i could not awaken my heart to joy at the same tone; and all i loved, i loved alone; then- in my childhood, in the dawn of a most stormy life- was drawn from every depth of good and ill the mystery which binds me still: From the torrent, or the fountain, from the red cliff of the mountain, from the sun that round me rolled in its autumn tint of gold, from the lightning in the sky as it passed me flying by, from the thunder and the storm, and the cloud that took the form (when the rest of heaven was blue) of a demon in my view.
Edgar Allen Poe (1808-1849)
Source: Alone, 1830
What you've done become the judge of what you're going to do-especially in other people's mind. When you're traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don't have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.
William Least Heat Moon, Blue Highways
Love, they say, enslaves, and passion is a demon and many have been lost for love.
I know, this is true, but i know too, that without love we grope the tunnels of our lives and never see the sun. When i feel in love it was though i looked into a mirror for the first time and saw myself. I lifted my hand in wonderment and felt my cheeks, my neck. This was me. And when i had looked down at myself and grown accustomed to who i was, i was not afraid to hate parts of me because i wanted to be worthy of the mirror bearer.
Jeanette Winterson
Source: Passion
Outside my head i cast a shadow
I'm not someone who's seen this side of me
but it drifts across the ground so down i look
i could spend time wondering who i was
and i could count the times that i had lost or won
And i could turn toward you and ask you what you saw.
Dreamer by Tiny Vipers
"Life is a series of pull back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle. A wrestling match. Yes, you could describe life that way."
"Which side wins?"
"Love wins. Love always wins."
-Tuesdays at Morrie by Mitch Albom-
to do list for 2010:
concerts.
seeing spain.
love.
be free.
buying more vinyls.
trust.
love.
more sleep.
more books.
less chocolate.
continue photo shoots.
realizing dreams and unfinished thoughts like 'what would it be like if...'
love.
spending more time with my cats.
less internet.
love.
love.
love.
love.
Thursday, 07 January 2010
-
whispered whispers.
just because you feel it doesn't mean it's there
-radiohead, 'there there'
(the weird thing is this can be both good and bad for you)
just some moodswings i had recently..sometimes these kind of thoughts running through my head and running, and running...
this is the part i don't like.
the part where i'm waiting, for an answer, for a word, for a flight, a train, an escape.
but as always, all there is, is simply silence.
It's sad when when people you know become people you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them. (found on saying images.com)
In the summer i have this friend who i am closest to, and sometimes in the winter i long to call her up and say, come here and live with me, in this cold place. But we are summer friends. There is a rule it seems, that summer friends don't get together in the wintertime. Now, sitting here, waiting for her, i realize, that i have never seen her in a winter coat, and for some reason that makes me sadder than anything else in the world.
-Jaqueline Woodson
-this is incredible sad. it reminds me of the instability of being 'connected' to people who actually mean a lot to you.
A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two ballons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.
-Richard Bach
The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway
-Henry Boye
I held a moment in my hand, brilliant as a star, fragile as a flower, a tiny sliver of one hour. I dripped it carelessly. Ah! I didn't know. I held opportunity.-Hazel Lee
It's not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join, physical shame and self-loathing- they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them i would have never disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.
-Stephen Fry
----------------
my let me feel so much songs recently:
- karen o and the kids 'worried shoes'
- the alexandria quartet 'somewhere'
- savoy grand 'the plan'
oh my, oh my these really are the melancholic ones. but these are actually the best ones.
take care of you.
Thursday, 31 December 2009
-
throw your dreams into space.
lets rekindle sparklers.
Throw your dream into space like a kite and you do not know what it will bring back- a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.
Anais Nin (1903 - 1977)
i wish you all a great night and a happy new year 2010.
-
- Name: Nathalie
- Birthday: 6/25/1981
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 12/21/2008
